feed the birds, toppins a bag

duck, duck, goose

Autumn: Arizona Style

A glimmer of hope (in 2002)

THE YOU, THE ME

A nebulous wonderland of hope not enough recognized as an answer to the squaller down here where the general consensus steers as if they knew the way to go for little old me and the way I should grow Grow UP not DOWN is where it's all going where the poor minds decide without even knowing. Tell me, how will I pull through this? bypass these minds programmed into oblivion? oblivious to themselves the within the intuitive is where we all begin. Go BACK, GO BACK to your instincts go BACK to when it was second nature to think without accord without judgements and opinions stored...

Stuck in the Middle ( in 2002 )

Fat Sad Falling shortly into the great abyss of the middle I drown my sorrows in the bottom of a wine glass with a shot of vodka cause wine isn't enough for this world handling the cold I've got the chills this lack of frills feeling idle somewhere in the middle not low enough to change not high enough to see the next step cause the middle is the middle stuck inbetween is worse than even what it seems cause the comfort cradles me and the support makes me be okay but I'm not okay when today feels the same like I rolled a pair of dice to move and where i landed is from where i came expect I want to take off I want to see myself off wave while I'm flying to the sky cause dying is not far off dying can be anytime there's always time but idley waiting is not using what I have what I could be creating but I keep running for the door always wanting out always looking toward the clouds...

Alone (in 2002)

Alone Alone Alone Alone I cleanse I cleanse this unease this need to please is this all I'm made of? Is this all I'm here for? There's so much more There's so much more I'm so ANGRY. The two faced all around me. These faces all around me who are you? Who am I? I'm so ANGRY I hate all the hate I hate all the hate 2 faced 2 faced 2 faced conquering the WORLD Empty Empty Empty MOney MOney Money The clothes on your back.. FUck it! Fuck it! I was made to care. CARE about it. IT! I feel conquered by it. Fuck it. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. Compromising everything I am. Nore MORE this. No more THis.

what can brown do for you?

valley moms gone wild

it's 3am. do you know your babies are running around in their diapers taking pictures of you? ~~~~~~~


~~~~~ nuthin' to wine about .... for now ~~~~~



~~~~~~ photos by aspen ~~~~~~~

bottle model

agent calling

so many fish in the sea

hmmm?



uh....


that one.

wonder

"If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder… he needs the
companion-ship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in."

-Rachel Carson, 1965



update: logan still pulls on ruby's tail and still thinks it's really funny when ruby shows her teeth and growls.

sunday revelations...

at the end of every tear is a new beginning.

I Love...( another page from "the MEAD 2003")

Grocery store tuna * good peaches * the sound of fountain soda in a glass * pizzaaa * the song "At Last" * Loud black people * sundried tomatoes in a caesar salad * mixing salad dressings * talking to strangers * grumpy old men * thinking my dead father enlightened me into an awareness I don't try to understand * drinking from a straw * Going out alone * good head * the names Love, Lady and Stella * my dreams * sleeping to dream * the smell of: Italian food, gas, horseradish, a man after a shower, a man that smells like detergent and not cologne, watermelon and salt water * getting pummeled by waves * spelling phonetically where I don't know how to spell * being touched on my face * getting my hair pulled in sex * being winked at * mullets * listening to live good singing * bands with lots of members and magical musical fusion * the word "magical" * reggae * freestyle * cleaning other people's messes (jackie watson's house) * snooping * eaves dropping * people watching * dancing * being led in dancing * maCGyver * blunt people * saying "fat" like it's spelled with four "f's" * my bf MLE who's my "Fat" with fower "f's" fower everrr * writing * rolling tobacco * cheap wine * forgetting about something really great and then remembering it again later down the road * forgetting about someone really great and then seeing them again ;)

A page out of 100 leaves in a MEAD from 2003...

MLE 2003

the odd couple

i mean...

I ms.

what i wouldn't give for a big plate of greasy diner eggs & bacon with mozzarella sticks.........and emily on the side...toasted ;)

If i picketed for any purpose it would be to smoke in diners again. my sign would say: "I'm gonna whine here till i can smoke and dine here!!!" ... and living 2000 miles from diners now is NOT going to stop me from doing what's right. Even stopping smoking which god forbid i do (i don't smoke enough to quit) will not deter me from what just may be my purpose here, my calling, my ticket to a footnote in the star ledger news.

Tour de FAT

~~~~ Tour de FAT festival today ~~~~ .. check anything main stream about you at the gate. if you want to fit in don't look like anybody else. dress up but don't "be" anything in particular. just try to freak/deck yourself out and let your alter-ego take the reigns. freaks and geeks, BIKES and tykes and beer and dancing to the music that's haunting and almost hard to not let your body go to. did i mention the freaks? i love freaks! one guy was wearing a police hat, unbuttoned collard shirt with the sleeves cut off and short black spandex with what appeared to be a set of dentures hanging from a belt right in front of his "hoo hoo", and he kept thrusting his denture draped "hoo hoo" all around at random. so good. logan danced just like the drunks and showed off his belly button. he really is the cutest baby alive. his face is the face of an angel and i see how everyone looks at him and wonder if people are wondering how did that cherub come outta that? one of those inexplicable phenomenons. tour de FAT, a tour after my own heart.

logan pulls on ruby's tail now all the time. she gets away quick and then he falls over and u'd think he'd get a clue...not when he's cracking up though. poor ruby. i think she might start drinking. the boy is a wild one and his smile is the reason god gave him to me. while seemingly doing everything wrong in my selfish years, drunk ALL the time, i must have done something right at some point to get him.